When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, D !

I am beginning to find myself. It is a means of self-discovery. It is a road less travelled, and I am not afraid of falling. I could fall, I would be wrong, but I need to have something so valuable. Myself.

I begin to wonder along the way. The multitude of roads beginning to make me believe in all possible directions. One moment, I think I am down and other times I feel lost. But keeping in mind the dawn of realization, the straying of mind is important too. Really... When I feel lonely and helpless, I now try to simply enjoy it and not try to fathom it out. Nothingness is a beautiful state of mind.

The world and its chaos seem a lot less trivial to me! And that's when I feel, free.
I am free. I'm on my way, to become the way I had decided to be. To be, me.

I'm not worried about failure or anxious about what might happen next. It is something I have long left behind. I can not go back. I will not go back.

Each tour that I take, covers along a new thing to think about. The road is never similar.

Its twists and turns and goes upstairs and down. Sometimes it is smooth and other times rough.

But sometimes, my heart beats fast when I think about these things. The adrenaline in my spine shoots high.
But I know, I am a believer. I gradually became entangled in a web. The Web that my mind has created. It is rather complex. I will not drag on it, but I will have to word hard and smart to get out of it, leaving it to rise above the horizon to have a clear vision.
I simply let go and dive into the nothingness that beckons clarity !

One

What is the purpose of existence? The first few drizzles of thoughts come down. Slowly, methodically, with logic backing them; the very first one being Darwin's speculation! the mind goes on with a series reasons: we live to learn and to earn, to work, and to live happily.. slowly the clouds of curiosity start to pile up the entire space of my mind.
I begin to wonder, why am I not contented?!

I decide not to force the answers out. I sit on the swing and while watching the traffic rush by I slowly begin to ponder at leisure. The mind gets pensive and it dawns to a realization that this is only a layer of illusion which has settled down on my understanding, the way dust settles down on the furniture which is kept shut inside a room for a long long time.

Even before I know, there is a downpour.

"Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. The current of the river swept silently all over them- young and old, rich and poor, good and evil, the current going it's own way, knowing it's own crystal self.

Each creature in it's own manner clung to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging their way of life and resisting the current what each had learned from birth.

But one creature said at last, 'I'm tired of clinging. Though I cannot see with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go and let it take me where it will. Clinging I shall die of boredom.

The other creatures laughed and said, 'Fool! Let go and the current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks and you will die quicker than boredom!

but the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.

Yet in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom and he was bruised and hurt no more.

And the creatures downstream to whom he was a stranger cried, 'See a miracle! A creature like us, yet he flies! See the messiah, come to save us all!'

And the one carried in the current said, ' I am no more messiah than you. the river delights to lift us free. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.' (ref., Illusions The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, 1977, Pan Books)

Contentment looms over the horizon.

Can't Get Over The Full Moon Night ...

“Why do we close our eyes, when we pray, when we cry, when dream… because the most important things in life are not seen but felt by heart.”

In the instant that I read this sms, I smiled and nodded in agreement to myself, ‘how very true’.

Some moments assert that life is beautiful. They are so powerful; they can change the course of one’s life.

I had tears in my eyes. Suddenly, I felt so full of happiness. The cold breeze of November, brushed past my face. I held my shawl closer to keep myself warm. Standing on that boulder made of cement, on which also stood the shrine of Goddess Minal Devi, the world where I came from felt far far away. Suddenly, I was a part of another world. All I wanted to do then was to keep looking at the moon and soak in as much of that world as the seconds trickled by.

The moon- in its full magnitude and grandeur, felt so close, yet so distant!

The uninhabited hill surrounded by plains all around, abundant with cacti didn’t seem wild at all. My mind was at peace. Deep within me, I knew that this was a one-in-a-million experiences.

That moment came to stay. Today, while I think of it, it doesn’t feel like a memory. That night stirred something within me.

My whole body, from forehead to toes, was breaking free of form. The chain of thoughts that our brain forms mechanically were all breaking.

I knew nothing and I knew everything. I shut my eyes once again and a universe of possibilities unfurled itself.

Duality

I am confused. I am not used to this kind of behaviour. Perhaps I am, but that is not what is confusing me.

From what I have known so far, people, generally are manipulative. They generally are mean. They are egocentric. Yet in spite of being all these, at least they have a mind of their own! They can think for themselves. And I have been lucky enough to have met many who are of this kind.

But, you… no. You aren’t any of these. You are plain dumb!

And I am scared of dumb people. Simply because, they don’t have a mind of their own and can get easily drawn away. For e.g. you.

You, as I now think of you, aren’t (or rather weren’t) what I thought you were. You judge people on the basis of what others tell you and not on the basis of your impression of the people and that is what confounds me.

I never knew you possessed this quality too. You are a real surprise package!

At first I was only drawn towards you, but now I am totally drawn towards you. And that is because I am curious… I really really am… I can’t fathom you! How could I have missed seeing that you had put on a mask all this while?

It is unbelievable that I am actually affected by this behaviour of yours! Yes.. you are having an effect on me!

I can’t figure you out! ‘What’ are you?
Do what you feel like. Honestly, I have stopped caring. When you can’t even think for yourself, I am sorry, I cannot help you either! Go on, behave as you like and avoid me as much as you wish to, because I…. simply do not give a damn anymore.

Just one remorse, why was I so blind?